Dear Chris Simon,
I recently read your message to Wild fans [which can be read here, for those who would like a reference], and I decided we had to have a chat. When I found out we had acquired you at the trade deadline, I wasn't very happy. I mean, no offense dude, but we could have gotten a really good player. Sorry if that's mean, but for reals, homey, we need some goals up in here. I was really starting to wonder if there was some sort of curse placed on the teams of Minnesota, that they could only made horrendously embarrassing acquisitions. I mean, Bret Boone? Rondizzle White? That guy from the Vikings that decided he'd rather attempt suicide/find Jesus than play for the Vikings? (Word. Although with AP and my man Thomas Tapeh, I'm starting to feel better about the boys now.) (There have been a few bright spots along the way, although that AJ/Dustan trade isn't as exciting as we thought it was, since Boof is tubby and Liriano's mechanics will ensure his arm will fall off mid-season; the Frank Viola trade was pretty cool, though. TWO DECADES AGO.)
But, I am all about chances. I'm more about second chances than I am about LAST CHANCES, so I'm not really excited that we've got some dude on our team that will be banned from hockey forever and ever amen if he messes up one more time. I certainly hope you remember that the Wild acquired you to play hockey for the rest of the season, and that there was a reason behind that, it wasn't just like they gave you an invitation to the team because you'd feel left out otherwise. But at the same time, this isn't your last chance or even your second chance with this team. This is a new opportunity for you, and I will treat it as such.
All right, time for the bitchface to come off. I'm glad to hear that you're happy to be here, on our team specifically. I trust Jacques's judgement about players, and I know he won't play you if he doesn't think you deserve it. He doesn't waste a roster spot. If he's not happy about you, we'll all know it. So if Jacques puts you in the lineup, I'm going to cheer for you and support you. You're on our team now, and as fans we can extend our Minnesota nice to you and welcome you here. Play hard, play smart, and play clean. Bring us a banner and we'll forget we ever groaned about the trade. Bring us the Cup and you're a hero.